Checking in

I'd left this space for so long, that without autofill, I don't even remember the email address that opens up this massive vault of memories. 

I still remember a few years ago, when the memories got too painful, I'd closed off the archive function that enables you to just click on a random month in a random year and read those posts. You'd have to click on 'back' again and again just to reach there, if you really want to. Part of me was just so sick of myself doing that over and over again, that I sealed myself off from my own memories. Now I'm just glad that I did that, because I was embarrassed of my past, and still am. 

Coming back here, was just because I really miss writing. 

All those years of writing essays in high school, the words come so easily that you don't even have to think twice. Nowadays I struggle to even write a coherent email. My vocabulary is limited to "appreciate if" and "thank you very much". Writing is correlated to pent-up frustration of people refusing to reply my MT messages when I'm trying to speak to them nicely, and then writing long-ass emails that no one would ever read. 

Being back here for 3 years, I've just had plenty of time to ponder over my current situation. 

-Do I want to leave? Yes. 

-Forever? No. 

-Then what? 

I just want a change of environment. An environment where writing emails ≠ being demanding and passive aggressive. Where it's normal to say please and thank you even in formal situations. Where work has meaning to it, and people care about each other. Where bureaucracy doesn't play such a heavy role, and doing something as simple as creating a cost centre doesn't require layers and layers of approval. Where micro-managing is at the minimal and people don't care about how I start my emails, whether there's a 'Good afternoon sir, hope you are doing well, apologies for asking you to do this...." or just "Hi Sir, please submit this by this date". 

When I thought I'd lost my position 2 weeks ago I was devastated. Emotions yo-yoing like a roller coaster. I didn't transfer all the way from Kerteh to KL, switch out from a technical group to secure a position related to sustainability, just for all of it to be taken away from me. 

Thankfully Charlotte wanted to recruit me, so I'm temporarily reporting to the Chief Sustainability Officer in the company, who reports to the CEO. 

Being free from my manager is the greatest liberty I've held in a long time. 

There's so many experiences to encounter in life, and working with someone who doesn't believe in what you're doing, doesn't believe that ESG is playing an increasingly heavy role in our lives, has an insanely high opinion of himself, and is constantly playing mind tricks is just, frankly, exhausting. 

There were so many times when he'd talk my ears off to the point that my tinnitus came back - just because I've listened to his voice over a call for more than 3 hours straight. 

Anyway, of this whole piece is that I'm getting closer to where I want to be. 

I told Charlotte that I'm doing a glorified intern's job and I'm sick of it. 

I raised my concerns to her on recruiting people who don't believe in sustainability work and how it'll ruin the team's dynamics - I simply cannot be working under another version of my ex-manager. 

In the past 7 months I've honed my skills significantly in data management, but now it's time to move on! 

Here's to better days, and to more writing so that my brain doesn't go numb. 

Mid-year

It's already July. 

I've been working in the current position for more than half a year. There were so many things to get used to in the beginning, but after 3 months I've fully settled in. After half a year, I'm already looking forward to moving out from this position. 

There's so much pent up anger that I accumulate from work on a daily basis. Frustration at inefficiencies, frustration at my manager's stuck up attitude, frustration at the mundane-ness of the work, frustration at everything we're doing - which doesn't seem to be really contributing to anything. 

I think anyone who works in a huge corporate can probably relate to this. 

America

There are a lot of things that I miss about the States. And often times I find them insanely difficult to bring up to people around me.

I left the States thinking that I'll come back one day, very soon. I left it with a piece of mind thinking that I'll return for my masters, I'll return for a national park trip with all the hikes I crave in the world, I'll return for my friends, I'll return for the road trips, etc. 

And now I find myself tearing up when I think about my schooling days, and what I've missed out, and what would I give to do redo something a different way. Mostly, it was really just appreciating everything around me. 

The weather, the cold, especially. Not cold cold, more like comfortable sweater weather forever between 10-15 cold. Slight chill during the night times around 8, but comfortable enough that my fingers wouldn't experience frost bite when I'm done with the 15 minute bike ride from home to school for 6am practices. 

Speaking of cycling. I've felt extremely detached from it. In fact I've lost sense of self in the past 2 years, and this is why I'm trying very hard to get the transfer, to pick back up my hobbies, to find the productive, adventurous self that I used to be. I've stopped cycling regularly for a while, for a multitude of reasons. I spend 10 minutes just now just going on Google maps along the entire bike route that I used to take from 1333 Old Spanish Trail all the way to Tudor Fieldhouse. From Main Street > Morningside Dr aka the most beautiful neighborhood to cycle through > passing Holcolmbe which I always felt like I would get into a car accident eventually but never did > the not so nice section of Morningside > finally reaching Rice Village where I turn right onto University Blvd and then eventually reaching. 

My final year was the best year. The year where I got to treat myself to a lot of free time, a lot of friends, a lot of just, enjoying life. 

Thinking of maybe, in my free time I'll start a wordpress with just photos. photos after photos of all my travels in the past few years. When I've time to sit down and edit each and every single one of them (LOL). 

Jokes aside. I just want a break. 

Hello

It's been so strange to think that blogging used to be such a huge part of my life, and how I communicate with all my closest friends, to now where I'd almost forgotten my login password. The interface has changed and modernized, and words don't come as freely as they used to anymore. 

I used to come here to rant a bunch, and then work got to me, and I think it just started eating away at me that even blogging about it feels a bit too much because it'll all just be complaints about work, work and more work. 

I finally stepped out and requested for a transfer, and it was an extremely long process. From looking for the position, talking to the incumbent, figuring out how to get to the manager of the incumbent, convincing him that I was the right fit, then comes the nerve wrecking part where I had to tell my own manager that I really just want to leave. I had to go through 4 layers of managerial positions at my current department to get a verbal approval, and then let the decision deliberate in two formal meetings on my department's side, and then another formal meeting on the receiving end (where my future manager had to convince his higher ups why in the world are they hiring me) and then finally I'm still pending a skill group advisor to approve my transfer. 

The reason why its so complicated is because PETRONAS has multiple companies inside of it, and they all operate differently. For my case, to transfer from PETRONAS Carigali Sdn Bhd to PETRONAS Group Health, Security, Safety and Environment is already a big deal. On top of that I'm leaving my current skill group (mechanical) to a non-technical skill group (business planning), whereby salary increments and grades are affected - meaning that I will (possibly) get lesser pay etc. I am also leaving Kerteh to KL, whereby there is already an extremely long queue of people working in Kerteh longing to do the same, so to be able to cut the queue and make my demands - essentially I better had a damn good excuse. 

And I had no excuses except simply being opportunistic - seizing the moment when I knew that my department had more people than positions available, knowing that what I want for my future somehow aligns with this future position, and then just talking to people at the right time. 

It's been very, very exhausting and I am currently on my (hopefully) last offshore trip. 

I yearn to come back and just, give myself a fucking break, press the reset button and then set my life in order again. 

I want to be productive again, meet friends, work out, eat healthily, attend workshops and sessions outside of work, do online classes, spend time with family, etc etc. 

Working from home has been fun for me, but the work scope wise was pretty much a huge looming presence, thinking about the next time I'll have to go back. 

Hopefully by the next time I'm back here, I would have gotten the formal letter for transfer, and then maybe lesser complaints, ha. 

It's been 5 months since I last blogged, I thought it was longer than that.

Everyone's always asking me - how are you? How have you been?

I've been really quiet, be it good times, bad times, neutral times. Thing is, my weeks are always divided up into chunks. I start driving to Kerteh at 5.15am on Sunday mornings, I pick up my passengers from Petronas Taman Melati around 5.30am, and then I reach office around 8.15-8.45am depending on my speed that day, which car I'm driving, and how long they take for prayers.

From 8.45am Sunday mornings to 12pm Thursdays, my life is either neutral, or bad. I go through every single day wondering what the hell I'm doing here, and find things to keep myself upbeat. After work I slump into a pile of nothingness, I'm unwilling to exercise or do anything useful, I shower, I wait for dinner time, and then I sleep or watch stupid videos on Youtube.

On Thursdays if I'm driving, which is 98% of the time, I make a beeline for home. I arrive around 4pm, and I spend the rest of the evening running errands, or chatting with mum. I spend my Fridays running more errands or just sit in front of the computer idling, and then on Friday evenings till the end of Saturday I'm spending time with my family, Seng Kiat, and occasionally his family. When I have extra energy on Fridays, I try and go out for lunch with a friend.

My energy is gradually being sapped out, by work. I'm trying to make the best of my situation, but I don't see light at the end of the tunnel. I don't like my work place, I find it hard to immerse into the people around me. To make my life easier I find myself having to stifle my opinions a lot of the time, and pretend that I don't hear certain things that certain people say. I pretend that I'm not bothered by the racism, and I try to not let things get to me. I find it so stifling that all people care about is the oil and gas business - which is something I hope will collapse even though our country's revenue depends on it. I try to find meaning in my job - but cringe at the inefficiency of everyone around me yet successfully marketing themselves to be the most efficient person.

I have passed my one year mark, and have 3 years and 8 months to go. I'm trying really hard to keep my head up, and find that energy that drove me endlessly all these years before I started working. I'm trying to not get anxious or have nervous breakdowns on Saturday nights, I'm trying to not collapse into despair every time I think about humanity/our politics/covid 19/how oil and gas is ruining the environment. Seng Kiat has been a huge help through all of this, but I know a lot of it relies on myself propping myself back up, and I'm trying to get there.

Till then.

Finally having time to settle down, and have nothing to do, in a long, long time.

Currently sitting in Hyatt at Kuantan, waiting for my colleagues to be done with prayers at 7.30, and then we'll head out for dinner. I really don't know what do I have to say, except that this year's been tough, I've cried a lot, and I really hope that I've made the right choice.

I went over to lml's place and briefed him on my entire job scope the other day. I wanted him to know exactly what he was in for, and whether it was worth it.

Whether it's all worth it for me, I guess I'm still figuring that out.