Yesterday was my 11th day offshore. I have till 22nd July.

It was also the tipping point of me breaking down into a complete mess, face slobbering full of tears and snot gushing down onto my coveralls, which were already stained all over with lube oil.

I spent 40 minutes crying and speaking incoherently down the phone to Kiat, channeling all my inner fears, doubts, failures, fury, and shame.

I don't even know what the hardest point is.

Whether it is struggling to understand normal BM spoken in a different accent, or a completely different BM dialect, which contains multiple words that I don't understand.

Whether it is having only theoretical knowledge of how things work, and having zero idea on how things actually work.

Whether it is being looked down upon by a crew of men that I'm supposed to command, because I know nothing. And the reality is that I blatantly accept and admit it, hoping that I'll get some leeway and some forgiveness, hoping that they'll give me time and room to growth, but no, expectations are high. The younger they are, the less forgiving they are.

Whether it is having not a lot of interest in things that I'm actually doing, that even though I understand and am fascinated by it, I still see it as a clear line of me switching into a zone where I work, instead of switching into a zone where I learn.

Whether it is being verbally harassed by rude men and having a really rude stranger barge into your room to hang his clothes, and say things like it would not take him 3 hours to drive me back to KL but 24 hours instead because he would first take me to a hotel, only to report these things to the OIM and be told why don't you just lock your door instead.

Whether it is the initiative to learn and to spend your whole day on site, and when your men are done with work by 6pm, you continue your office work till 11pm, yet all of these go unnoticed and instead you receive comments like sibuk, kononnnya. 

Whether even your own personal life gets intruded and people doubt that when you go to the gym you actually work out, and say that you're just there to arrange the weights back instead.

Whether it is due to the AC having broken down for three days down and the fan in your room is not working, and the person who lent you his fan made you return it every morning to his office even though he's not using it.

Whether it is running out of toothpaste, or my face breaking out, and I don't even have the time to put a face mask on.

Whether it is the food becoming so repetitive, oily/fried, cold soft-boiled eggs in the morning, rice with gulai/curry every day, yet those are all the choices you have.

Whether it is the strong winds and the orcas on a nearby platform indicating bad weather is coming, and they already cancelled boats back to land and replaced them with choppers instead, making you wonder if you'll make it home on Monday.

Whether it is the fact that is this all really worth it for my job, that I've missed a reunion with one of my closest friends who only come home once a year, and I missed celebrating her birthday with her and just talking and catching up, in general.

.

When I was done and tired with crying I went and took a hot shower and spent 2 hours to myself Youtube-ing. That was yesterday night.

It's a new day.